P a n t h e a   :   A l l   T h i n g s   a r e   G o d d e s s

Directly before my husband leapt into the arms of another woman I remember chanting daily to Kali-Ma to remove the obstacles of my life. I was unhappy and had been for years. I was so miserable I had pondered more than once just ending it all on some lonely drunken night. That was two years ago this Spring and I can now finally see what the purpose of all the pain was.

Even though some part of me had known for years that I needed to leave my marriage, there were still times during the affair when I was sure I would go mad trying to hold my life together, trying to keep someone in my life whose time had passed. It wasn’t until the Summer of 2008 that it all struck me and I knew it was time to let go for good.

Throughout the course of my marriage there were times when I had given up on love and on the idea that I would actually one day be understood and cared for in the way that I needed. You see, my husband and I hadn’t connected in a very long time. I wonder now if we ever really did. He is a good man, just no longer the right match for me. We married very young and as time passed we became two very different people who didn't exactly bring out the best in each other. I was a child when we met and I am now a woman with a full life behind her and ahead of her.

Over that Summer something hit me like a brick in the face. There was more out there, there was something else and it was coming my way. It was time for a shift, for things to change. I noticed that I had been focusing on the Crone for some time. Kali and Persephone had been patron Goddesses of mine since before all the changes began. I felt their transformative power begin to take root within me and along with that came some sort of acceptance.

I’m not very good at acceptance. In fact, I’m terrible at it. But despite what I wanted to accept, the Crone, in all her wisdom, managed to destroy my life with one swift movement of her hand and everything fell into a sort of chaos that I had never experienced before. I was lost in the entropy of every day, stuck in a haze of anger and fear. Then one day (that warm Summer afternoon) the acceptance just settled upon me like a gentle kiss that had flown in on a sweet wind and nestled its way into my heart.

It wasn’t until the Winter (the time of the Crone) when I finally made my decision to end my marriage forever. As I ushered in 2009 I was suddenly an autonomous woman with a world of possibilities ahead of me. As to be expected with any change, the season was one of turbulence. There were emotions and heartbreaks, both old and new, that overtook my days and ruled my thoughts. And then there was Spring.

A few weeks before the Vernal Equinox I was struck with something new, something strong and irresistible. I didn’t understand any of it at first; the feelings, the pull, the power. But as the first day of Spring hit I knew what I had been looking for was right in front of me and I knew I had found love – the kind of love you don’t pass up.

So I write this now a changed woman, a woman who feels more whole and understood in her life. All that I had been pining for over the years finally seems to have landed on my front door. The future looks so bright and I am unendingly grateful to the Goddess, the Universe, and to myself for all that I have been given. It’s amazing what can happen when you finally take control of your own life.

Labels: everyday life, life, life experiences, reflections

In the post just before this one I mentioned a painful time I recently experienced in my life. While I was thinking about this time I remembered that it began right after I had been practicing a mantra to the Goddess Kali everyday.

Kali or Kali-Ma is an element of Shakti who is known as a remover of obstacles, and the mantra was specifically designed to do just that. I personally see Kali as a dark aspect of the Goddess who transforms everything she touches.

So my question is, did Kali have something to do with this event in my life? Was this an experience that might fall into the category of birthing pains... as in "there is always pain before birth"?

"Something" was certainly removed from my life but it came back. I guess when I look at that "something" very closely it did not come back in the same form it was in. So perhaps the obstacle was removed, changed, then put back into place. Maybe that "something" couldn't be transformed by Kali until it was taken from me. And in that way both myself and the "something" were forever changed into new things.

I don't know. This is one of those metaphorical, esoteric talks I usually have with myself. Since I am finally opening up a little around here, I thought maybe I would present it to all of you too.

I've been thinking of starting the chanting up again but I am a bit gun shy as you can imagine. I know I still have obstacles to remove, but I'm not sure I can handle Kali's handiwork again just yet. We'll see.

Labels: devi, Goddess, kali, kali-ma, life, life experiences, ramblings, remover of obstacles, shakti, the goddess kali

First, let me just say that I have no idea where this post is going to go. I guess this will sort of be an exercise in mental diarrhea for me, but that's not really unusual. If you’ve been around here long enough you will know that I am a babbler and a rambler and prone to rants at times. I know that it’s mistaken for being disorganized, confused, etc. But honestly I think it’s because I’m far too passionate for my own skin and I never stop trying to figure out the great puzzle of life even when I have lost all the end pieces and the one piece I have left doesn’t seem to fit.

I have gone through a lot of changes this year. My life isn't the same as it was. Well, the physical day in and day out is the same as it was a year ago, but something inside me has shifted; flipped over onto its back like a struggling turtle. I'm not sure how to turn it around - or even if I want to.

I was once a very stubborn girl - more so than at present. I was once so head strong that I pushed away everyone that loved me. I know now that I did this unconsciously because I was afraid they would push me away first. They all stuck around for the most part, bless them, but sometimes I don't know why they did. I made things and personal causes more important... I made my religion more important... more important than people and love itself.

I am suddenly confused about my direction yet as steadfast as ever in what I believe. I think now I can say that what I believe in is love, and yes even the romantic kind. I was born a hopeless romantic. This is a detail of my personality that I had given up on for years, throwing that part of myself away like old leftovers molding in the fridge. Fairytales, romance, love, etc. became a bunch of BS because my life hadn’t turned out the way I had expected it to. It was easier and less painful to simply say it was someone else’s fault or some grand trick played on young girls whose reading materials are full of princesses and prince charmings.

And then suddenly the only love I had ever known wasn’t mine anymore. Suddenly there was this huge hole in my heart that I was terrified would never be filled again. I was left to coast on alone like a bird floating on the winds made by speeding cars over a highway. I hated it. For countless years I had wanted freedom. When it finally came my entire soul screamed out for the loss of what I had known and I began to fight like a cornered animal, determined not to give up until I got that piece of myself back.

During this time of struggle I became an ungrateful little child, turning to my Mother and asking “Why? Why is this happening to me? Have you left me too?” I was so angry, so hurt, and feeling so alone that even the Goddess could not give me any comfort. Or maybe I didn’t let her. Yes, I abandoned her and focused only on myself. I can see now that she came to me through my physical mother... the woman who gave birth to me in this life and who has never faultered in her love for me. During this painful time I knew she was there with her arms open, waiting to give comfort and listen to me.

Now I am feeling a bit more whole and I know the love has returned - rather it never really left me in a way - but I don’t know how to stop the fight and the fear that comes along with it. I don’t know how to find that head-strong sureness again. Maybe that’s a good thing though. Maybe I needed a stiff shot of humility. I don’t know.

I’m not perfect. I’ve been told that I think I am but I really don’t. I guess I have this nasty habit of being too blunt and sometimes people think I’m being condescending. Problem is… I want to be perfect. I want to live up to the expectations and be the good girl. I want to do everything right and be that perfect shining apple in someone’s eye. When I can’t be those things I throw up my hands and throw in the towel. There must be a middle ground hiding inside all this crazy emotion. I know it’s there somewhere. How to find it is another story.

Labels: emotions, human, just a girl, life, ramblings, relationships, Writings