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Panthea Returns

Friday, April 24, 2009

After a long hiatus Panthea has returned. My life has undergone a lot of changes, a lot of turmoil, but finally I feel at peace. For the first time in my life I know what it is to be understood, appreciated, and loved for exactly who I am. While I do believe I had found those things within myself long ago, I managed to forget my own power over time; allowing someone else to strip me of all that makes me who I am. But that’s all over now.

I am now embarking on a fresh chapter in my life - one of independence and new love where I am confident that I will only grow and evolve as time goes by. For this I am forever grateful to the Universe. Sometimes all that is needed is for one to take control of their life. Everything else then seems to fall into place.

So, now it’s time to see about picking this place up a little bit. To those of you who were once regular readers: I’m not sure how long it will take me to get back into the swing of consistent updates, but all of the info that has always been here is still available and will remain so indefinitely. Feel free to comment, share you own links, etc. and hopefully Panthea will be as good as new in no time at all.

Thanks to those of you who are returning and to those of you who may be first time visitors. I hope you find something within these pages that stimulates your thoughts and your spirit.

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Love is the Whole of the Law...

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Or so I thought. Apparently love is only the whole of the law if you carry your reproductive parts on the inside.

Well it looks like I pissed someone off. Debi (a self proclaimed women's liberationist) of the Corvid Diaries has taken some offense to just about every word I have posted over the last few days. Some have been addressed in the comments of this previous post here. Another one I think deserves front page attention so I'm responding to it below.

Debi said: "I'm actually disgusted that anybody would presume to speak with the words of the goddess, and in such a patronising tone. It is utterly disrespectful both to the goddess and to all women of earth to do so."

Rhondda said: (commented on the Corvid Diaries) "Yes, I do agree with you. I really dislike making the Goddess a monotheistic entity. For me she is life in all her diversity. She is not an either/or and she is not a role to play. She is deep connection and as Mary Daly says a verb and not a noun."

See all comments from Debi's post here: Apparently Even the Goddess can be Patronizing Sometimes...


The Goddess (emphasis on THE) has a million names and faces, yet remains ONE. All life is a manifestation of her which means all life is divine. This also means both men and women are Goddess. Re: All Things Are Goddess. By presuming that no one can speak with the words of the Goddess you only succeed in making her out to be that monotheistic deity who is untouchable, not connected to her creation, etc. Sheesh, why not just call her Yahweh? She is both verb and noun and everything in between. There is no way to say she is this and not that. She is unlimited and never black and white. You make her what you want her to be and that's fine, but not when it's solely to fit into your argument and help you rationalize all of the injustice you yourself are causing.

She is not a role to play? Are you even Pagan? First of all no one needs to play at the role because we already are Goddess. Second, that's exactly what a priestess does every time she performs ritual - whether she in a group or solitary. See Drawing Down the Moon (the ritual not the book). Embodiment of the Goddess is what's supposed to happen.

I am willing to bet that if my comments weren't presumed to be anti-fem than I would've gotten "lovely post" or at the very least nothing at all. But because certain sensibilities were stepped on now it's fair game on the little Goddessian girl who believes she is divine - as Goddess teaches. How dare I? Rest assured it won't be the last time I "presume" to be Goddess. While you're blasting me about it do be sure to trample on Doreen Valiente, Starhawk, and countless others who have dared to speak the words of the Goddess. *gasp*

By the way, did you even read the first paragraph of that post? If flat out says I asked myself what would Goddess do and that's what came out. I said this is what I think she would say. When did I ever claim to be speaking for her or anyone else?

Wow, someone says something positive and this is what happens? Someone basically says "let's love each other" and this is what happens? And yet the statement "all men are rapists" (because all men are capable of rape apparently) gets applause. Well it's finally happened. I've officially slipped into a crazy cosmic bunny hole of nonsense. That's just the most ridiculous, sexist BS I've ever had the displeasure of reading. What an outlandish statement. Kudos for having brass ones, by the way. I'm ashamed to be of the same species, let alone the same gender of someone who could utter such rubbish. Why not just say all people are murderers because we're all capable of it? Anyone and everyone is "capable" of every atrocity ever committed. Wake up!

Men are not evil and woman are not just the sweet, unconditionally loving, innocent victims. I am no one's victim and I will not allow myself to follow a line of thinking that has women acting like they are rabid animals trapped in a friggin' cage. Seriously, that kind of attitude towards men is reminiscent of Hitler's attitude toward the Jews. Watch out! Here comes the gestapo! "Where are zee men? We must take zem and cut zeir nuts off!" Take your self righteous indignation and passive-aggressive sexual terrorism somewhere else.

As those of you who visit often know, I rarely get this fired up. Funny thing is, I'm not really all that mad. I'm happy and having a great day. People are smiling, life is good. I tend to think of my posts as usually pretty positive. Unless of course I'm bitching about Kirk Cameron or something. :) I try very hard to address comments and different opinions as politely as possible. Everyone deserves to have their say. This is the main reason I don't moderate comments and I allow for anonymous people to post. But, I think this is the first and last I'm going to say about this situation in an actual blog post. While there may be comments pouring in eventually I won't be taking it the front page again. Well unless I get pissed enough to do so. *wink* Yay for blogs: creative/bitching outlets.

pic: Light from the Heart Nebula from Astronomy Pic of the Day

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Escaping or Incubating a Miracle

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Since Midsummer I've found that I am needing more solitude than I have in a long time. I feel very alone but I realize I am alienating myself purposely. I could chalk it up to a bit of stress - which I think is accurate - but I also feel there is some other, underlying reason for desiring only my own company.

What I know is that I haven't been painting, writing, etc. It seems all of my creative energy is trapped inside and not yet ready to come out. I am doing all of the "taking in" instead by getting lost in stories. I love stories. Even the fluffy romance novels I began reading as a kid. Not the trashy kind of novel, but the feel-good mass market romances with hints of supernatural things and a strong plot line. Those are my favorite. I've also been watching movies and catching up some tv.

This is certainly some kind of escape mechanism, because I not only watch/read these things but find myself daydreaming about them later. Can anyone deliver Tom Welling to my house wrapped in a big red bow and nothing else? But I digress. Or do I? Aren't these daydreams ways that my subconcious mind is trying to tell me that I'm missing something in my life? Or is it just as simple as the fanciful thoughts of a woman who has always had her head shoved up in the nimbus?

So what I am trying to escape from? Or am I really trying to escape at all? Could it be that there are things I am nourishing that are just not ready to be born yet? There are pregnancies all around me lately. Maybe this is my way of sympathizing, albeit subconsciously. Maybe after a rough year a whole new me is about to come into the world; fresh and new and ready to meet all the challenges that life tends to toss out.

What you are getting here are little insights into the workings of my mind. I didn't plan this post. It just showed up here on the screen spontaneously. The mind at work is fueled by the Goddess and her lessons. There are few things in my life that are not influenced by her. This makes perfect sense. The way a person thinks and what a person believes is the driving force behind their actions and decisions.

So what I see after typing all this out is that the Mother aspect of the Goddess has settled in over me and I will soon be rebirthing myself into something different; into someone I need to be. And suddenly I am excited about such a prospect and looking forward to the days ahead. Look out world. Here I come.

Pic: my feet in my old brown boots (complete with paint drippings) and a lovely little daisy growing all by itself in my back lawn.

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Kali: Goodbye Obstacles

Thursday, April 24, 2008

In the post just before this one I mentioned a painful time I recently experienced in my life. While I was thinking about this time I remembered that it began right after I had been practicing a mantra to the Goddess Kali everyday.

Kali or Kali-Ma is an element of Shakti who is known as a remover of obstacles, and the mantra was specifically designed to do just that. I personally see Kali as a dark aspect of the Goddess who transforms everything she touches.

So my question is, did Kali have something to do with this event in my life? Was this an experience that might fall into the category of birthing pains... as in "there is always pain before birth"?

"Something" was certainly removed from my life but it came back. I guess when I look at that "something" very closely it did not come back in the same form it was in. So perhaps the obstacle was removed, changed, then put back into place. Maybe that "something" couldn't be transformed by Kali until it was taken from me. And in that way both myself and the "something" were forever changed into new things.

I don't know. This is one of those metaphorical, esoteric talks I usually have with myself. Since I am finally opening up a little around here, I thought maybe I would present it to all of you too.

I've been thinking of starting the chanting up again but I am a bit gun shy as you can imagine. I know I still have obstacles to remove, but I'm not sure I can handle Kali's handiwork again just yet. We'll see.

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Just an Imperfect Girl

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

First, let me just say that I have no idea where this post is going to go. I guess this will sort of be an exercise in mental diarrhea for me, but that's not really unusual. If you’ve been around here long enough you will know that I am a babbler and a rambler and prone to rants at times. I know that it’s mistaken for being disorganized, confused, etc. But honestly I think it’s because I’m far too passionate for my own skin and I never stop trying to figure out the great puzzle of life even when I have lost all the end pieces and the one piece I have left doesn’t seem to fit.

I have gone through a lot of changes this year. My life isn't the same as it was. Well, the physical day in and day out is the same as it was a year ago, but something inside me has shifted; flipped over onto its back like a struggling turtle. I'm not sure how to turn it around - or even if I want to.

I was once a very stubborn girl - more so than at present. I was once so head strong that I pushed away everyone that loved me. I know now that I did this unconsciously because I was afraid they would push me away first. They all stuck around for the most part, bless them, but sometimes I don't know why they did. I made things and personal causes more important... I made my religion more important... more important than people and love itself.

I am suddenly confused about my direction yet as steadfast as ever in what I believe. I think now I can say that what I believe in is love, and yes even the romantic kind. I was born a hopeless romantic. This is a detail of my personality that I had given up on for years, throwing that part of myself away like old leftovers molding in the fridge. Fairytales, romance, love, etc. became a bunch of BS because my life hadn’t turned out the way I had expected it to. It was easier and less painful to simply say it was someone else’s fault or some grand trick played on young girls whose reading materials are full of princesses and prince charmings.

And then suddenly the only love I had ever known wasn’t mine anymore. Suddenly there was this huge hole in my heart that I was terrified would never be filled again. I was left to coast on alone like a bird floating on the winds made by speeding cars over a highway. I hated it. For countless years I had wanted freedom. When it finally came my entire soul screamed out for the loss of what I had known and I began to fight like a cornered animal, determined not to give up until I got that piece of myself back.

During this time of struggle I became an ungrateful little child, turning to my Mother and asking “Why? Why is this happening to me? Have you left me too?” I was so angry, so hurt, and feeling so alone that even the Goddess could not give me any comfort. Or maybe I didn’t let her. Yes, I abandoned her and focused only on myself. I can see now that she came to me through my physical mother... the woman who gave birth to me in this life and who has never faultered in her love for me. During this painful time I knew she was there with her arms open, waiting to give comfort and listen to me.

Now I am feeling a bit more whole and I know the love has returned - rather it never really left me in a way - but I don’t know how to stop the fight and the fear that comes along with it. I don’t know how to find that head-strong sureness again. Maybe that’s a good thing though. Maybe I needed a stiff shot of humility. I don’t know.

I’m not perfect. I’ve been told that I think I am but I really don’t. I guess I have this nasty habit of being too blunt and sometimes people think I’m being condescending. Problem is… I want to be perfect. I want to live up to the expectations and be the good girl. I want to do everything right and be that perfect shining apple in someone’s eye. When I can’t be those things I throw up my hands and throw in the towel. There must be a middle ground hiding inside all this crazy emotion. I know it’s there somewhere. How to find it is another story.

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